All posts in My Year of Right Sacrifice-TIME

Thirty Something

by admin on May 4, 2012 in Bits Of My Personality, Feeling It (Thankful), Life Keeps Changing, My Year of Right Sacrifice-TIME with No comments
(their beautiful sparkling young eyes)

Turning thirty did make a difference… at least for this lady… I am well over thirty now.  Looking back I had no idea it would change anything, which is a naive thought because everything changes things… every day brings change and just breathing means you are growing, changing and lets face it… aging. 

I was thrilled with the hope that I would suddenly be taken more seriously, once I left the 20s behind… ironically much the same feeling I had as I left my teens behind… now I realize the whole ‘taken seriously’ thing is pride and I don’t want to be too serious about life or I will not age gracefully.

Age gracefully… oh… that has been my plan the whole time I was young… now I took off my glasses and could see myself clearly for the first time since childhood (thanks to contacts) and realised age had been sneaking up on me as it does everyone else… only mine had been hiding behind some dark frames…and I hadn’t noticed for a long time.  The initial realisation had me teary and I was horrified at my human, and very womanly, response.  I was worried mostly that others would notice, and be as shocked at the change as me, and perhaps be unhappy with me. 

Beauty fades if it is just a skin deep thing. 

Obviously some insecurities where rubbed a little raw as I glanced, through contacts, at the over thirty me.

I alone can decide how I am going to react to aging…

Had a good look at my children.  Looking them in the eyes (their beautiful sparkling young eyes) I decided I have to be mom first.  Would I ever stand for my daughters seeing their beauty as only skin deep?  Or my boys overly worrying about their short lived handsome features?  When I behold my loved ones all I want is for them to find eternal beauty in the potters hands… so…

I remembered how I have ALWAYS had an abundance of grace toward my mothers looks, almost romanticism… she has and always will be beautiful!

Contemplated the stunning ladies who have mentored me and written on my heart.  Most where elderly when I knew them, skin deep beauty had faded to a story of life lived on their skin.  Their secret wasn’t cosmetic surgery but eyes still sparkling with love, life and passion.  They had hearts ablaze for Christ and so they oozed fruits of the spirit…

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
meekness, self-control; against such there is no law.
~Galatians 5:22&23 (ASV)~

… fruits of the Spirit… something/someone that can’t be bottled and sold… except perhaps bottled into our hearts… as long as we invite Christ’s Spirit to flow in our lives, he will be there to transform us into true and ageless beauty!

 But we all, with unveiled face beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are transformed into the same image from glory to glory, even as from the Lord the Spirit.
~2 Corinthians 3:18 (ASV)~

TTFN

Selfish

by admin on January 4, 2012 in Feeling It (Thankful), Life Keeps Changing, My Listening Year, My Year of Right Sacrifice-TIME, People In My Heart with No comments
(Fall 2009)

Selfish heart you never could stand up under the pain,
the brokenness,
that loving people brings.

Scoffing at pain came easily when there was no love to give,
no brokenness to face.
Avoiding naively,
the pain came,
you would deny it.
Denying,
futile.
Girding yourself with anger,
RAGGING against the brokenness…
Only to be broken more,
falling harder,
shattering.

The rage doesn’t last,
it was all a desperate show,
as also the scoffing and denial held no strength.

Get shattered enough times and you learn how to bend,
how to kneel…
how to surrender to the suffering of loving beyond yourself.

With prideful selfish resistance gone,
the focus outward,
the heart is molded,
rearranged,
redefined.
Embracing the risk,
the inevitable pain,
and loving the people you’re given,
you grow.
More and more people,
more and more breaking.
More and more strength found beyond you,
selfish heart.
Strength found in Jesus.

TTFN

Testify (Marriage Monday)

by admin on February 7, 2011 in Bits Of My Personality, Feeling It (Thankful), Marriage Monday, My Year of Right Sacrifice-TIME with 8 Comments

I have always attended church…was raised in a little conservative fellowship chapel. Made a commitment to follow Christ at 14 years of age and became part of a charismatic group. This choice was birthed out of years of emotional struggle and pain. A feeling of insecurity at home and at school left me feeling unhinged. The climax was when my Grandpa died. Living as a regular member of my culture held nothing for that volatile adolescent me… I wanted out and thank the Lord he found me before I completed my own solution.

Salvation was a choice of desperation… I felt I had no other choice at that point in life. Perhaps this is why I had no real idea what this choice really meant and for many years I mostly saw it throw selfish eyes… as if the relationship was for me and my benefit…Christ was a part of the puzzle and along for the ride…church was a place we where commanded to attended and might get a good high from…

I am now in a place where I question how much I have really counted the cost of following Jesus Christ. Have I really left it all to follow him and given up my self in true worship? Is he my life or just a piece? Do I invest in the body of Christ, The Church, or just attend a church?I am looking at breaking out of another cultural norm, feeling as if I need to go beyond the limits of comfort that the north American church has set for me… wanting more.

I found it strange to share my testimony at this time in my life, because in some ways I feel like I am at a point of greater transformation then when I said that initial prayer in tears. I used to go into great detail about the sad little me lead to Christ and the fire-y little me that followed the sinners prayer but now I am feeling like I must not allow myself to stay there. I am desiring more growth then I have thought necessary or possible for the last several years of my Christian walk.

I am truly thankful for the beautiful and the painful lessons that I have experienced. Wouldn’t trade in a single experience that has made me who I am today. Excited about what the future will hold. Desiring to grow in love always and I am seeking to live for Christ NOW.

LINKS to related posts RIGHT HERE and RIGHT HERE.

First Monday of every month at Chrysalis

TTFN

Testify (Marriage Monday)

by admin on February 6, 2011 in Bits Of My Personality, Feeling It (Thankful), Marriage Monday, My Year of Right Sacrifice-TIME with No comments

I have always attended church…was raised in a little conservative fellowship chapel. Made a commitment to follow Christ at 14 years of age and became part of a charismatic group. This choice was birthed out of years of emotional struggle and pain. A feeling of insecurity at home and at school left me feeling unhinged. The climax was when my Grandpa died. Living as a regular member of my culture held nothing for that volatile adolescent me…

I had no real idea what this choice to be a Christian meant and for many years I mostly saw it throw selfish eyes… as if the relationship was for me and my benefit…Christ was a part of the puzzle and along for the ride…church was a place we where commanded to attended and might get a good high from…

I am now in a place where I question how much I have really counted the cost of following Jesus Christ. Have I really left it all to follow him and given up my self in true worship? Is he my life or just a piece? Do I invest in the body of Christ, The Church, or just attend a church?I am looking at breaking out of another cultural norm, feeling as if I need to go beyond the limits of comfort that the north American church has set for me… wanting more.

I found it strange to share my testimony at this time in my life, because in some ways I feel like I am at a point of greater transformation then when I said that initial prayer in tears. I used to go into great detail about the sad little me lead to Christ and the fire-y little me that followed the sinners prayer but now I am feeling like I must not allow myself to stay there. I am desiring more growth then I have thought necessary or possible for the last several years of my Christian walk.

I am truly thankful for the beautiful and the painful lessons that I have experienced. Wouldn’t trade in a single experience that has made me who I am today. Excited about what the future will hold. Desiring to grow in love always and I am seeking to live for Christ NOW.

LINKS to related posts RIGHT HERE and RIGHT HERE.

TTFN

Transforming Worship (ten)

by admin on February 2, 2011 in Better Check Out Links, Feeling It (Thankful), My Year of Right Sacrifice-TIME with No comments
1 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.
ROMANS 12:1 (NIV)

Been involved in more conversations then I can count about what worship should look like… To be honest I am really tired of worrying about music and service style. I feel like praise is what often happens on Sundays but I am not convinced worship has a regular place there, not the worship Paul expresses… I still don’t understand our current church cultures idea of worship. Thus I have been craving a clear definition and as you go through Paul’s teaching he lays out worship as not a song and dance thing but a LIFE SACRIFICE thing. Being able to trust so clearly in the love and mercy of our God that we willingly offer ALL OF US in true worship.

By dwelling on this truth and then going through a journal of mine from a few years back I was able to see a pattern in my walk that has held me back…

MY CHRISTIAN WALK WAS ON REPEAT!

Influenced by the church culture I came into when saved I was a high seeker. Selfishly viewing church and all possible Christian experiences as for me and my spiritual mountain climbing benefit I was completely missing the boat! It took many many ups and downs; dry patches or apathetic patches and then flying high experiences for me to grow tired with this rat race… Looking back at my scribbles in my journal I am even more horrified at the futility of it all.

Thank God he started pulling me out of my comfort zone! I was comfortable with deja vu!

Today I can honestly say I am looking for lasting consistent joy or happiness in all circumstances and I like to think that even back then that was my goal. What I lacked was an all consuming relationship with Christ. I wanted to drive and he was a passenger… I would only start to give it , or more honestly, bits of it all up to him once I was again bludgeoned with my own shortcomings! That isn’t worship! That is about me still!

This was my way not Christs. In order to grow Christ requires ALL. He requires my true worship as the message puts it; ‘Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him.’

So what now? Well Paul covers that in the following verses in Romans 12. A wealth of opportunity to break bad habits and unlearn incorrect lessons. This true worship of my Lord will lead me to the place where I can understand his will in my life and will be able to willingly follow him.

Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you. ROMANS 12:2 (the message)

Worship is sacrifice and so I think I finally see why last years word was sacrifice. I am thankful for Christ’s changing power in my life and thankful that he loves me so much I CAN trust and lay it all at his feet.

P.S. Link RIGHT HERE to the last message in a transformation message series, check them all out! I hope to go through them with a fine tooth comb because I have come to realize there is so much more to becoming and being a Christian then saying a little sinners prayer. I am SO ready for this!

TTFN

Things You Hear That Make You Go WOW

by admin on January 14, 2011 in Better Check Out Links, My Year of Right Sacrifice-TIME with No comments

Today it was a message I heard on podcast, link to RIGHT HERE.

I have felt the idea of ‘hold lightly’ moving in me for a couple years now and this was just another part of the education for me.

TTFN

Anger For Thankfulness (five)

by admin on January 6, 2011 in Bits Of My Personality, Feeling It (Thankful), My Year of Right Sacrifice-TIME with 1 Comment

In my experience, spend years pushing down feelings, perfecting numbness and you will be left with panic filled anger, rage really. This type of anger is unique and powerful because it appears to be an effective shield.

After getting scared enough to begin letting go of my numbness I started putting more trust then I ever had before in the Lord; trusting him to take care of me in all my states of mind and heart. What a gift… and that truth clicked for me…came wrapped up with a bow the last time I had a public… moment.

At a study I had broke down in tears. I settled myself down and then said, for myself as much as or perhaps more then for them, ‘I would apologies but that would only come out of my pride and fear of appearing weak and needy… Truth is I have spent too long breaking out of numbness. This… this is a gift.’ The ladies around me smiled and accepted that… I sat there clinging to hope that I believed it too.

Today I am deeply thankful for feeling and for the Lord breaking down my walks of numbness before I broke myself permanently with it.

This came to mind today as I shared with a friend my fears about learning thankfulness this year. I do see thankfulness as a God given strength, when authentically from the heart…yet I have confused anger with strength and a shield for so long that feeling called to put it down to make room for thankfulness makes me feel vulnerable…

I sat thinking about this idea of surrendering anger. I was surprised to find in myself the trust was deeper then the pride and I was indeed deeply thankful for the Lord breaking down that final wall that always threatens to shut me into the trap of numbness again. I am so very very thankful to dispose of numbness and this prideful anger. Most of all I am so very thankful to trust that the Lord can continue to handle what spills out of me as a result.

TTFN

New Years 2011

by admin on January 1, 2011 in Bits Of My Personality, Feeling It (Thankful), Four Little Eggs In My Nest, My Year of Right Sacrifice-TIME with No comments
HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Our new years eve was eventful in a parental style. Stayed in and watched a movie with the kids, made them home made hot chocolate, enjoyed some alone time with their dad till midnight and then got up early to take our Baby Boy in to the doctor because of asthma issues. Yup, eventful parental style.

Time to think has been a little scarce but I think I feel a year of learning to be thankful coming on. THANKFUL, is my word, if you will… Why? well I deserve this word, I have entitled myself to loads of angry times in life these last few years… when things got tough I got grumpy… and I have learned there is no strength found in an angry spirit… simply a soul stuck in a self dug hole… I desire that strength that comes with a thankful heart and I ready my heart to learn…

To kick it all off I have already started a habit of writing about things and people I am deeply moved in thanks for. We shall see how it goes from there.

My year of sacrifice was painful. I learned true sacrifice rubs up against all the human heart desires. It goes against our nature to sacrifice and yet as soon as we do there is a freedom and a weight lifted. If I was already a thankful sort I would say I have been very thankful for the self discipline I have learned and for the opportunities to sacrifice… but if I was a thankful person already this coming year wouldn’t be a year of thankfulness would it!? As with every year passed I feel like in spite of it being a long year and a very eventful year I have so much more to learn about my new year word gone by… I feel strangely fragile about the whole idea of sacrifice still…

This was indeed a year of big things; my dad’s cancer and my two sisters finding us are tops of that dramatic list. Praying for growth in the fruits of the Spirit in 2011 and wishing you all a blessed new year!
TTFN

Sentimental At X-mas (who would have thought it?)

by admin on December 26, 2010 in Bits Of My Personality, Feeling It (Thankful), Holiday Messages, My Year of Right Sacrifice-TIME, People In My Heart with No comments
(Taken Christmas day, a very warm WHITE Christmas!
I am wearing my mothers red dress coat, bought for her by
her father in law years ago.)

Who has flip flop feelings at Christmas? I sure do! Most of the memories I am making are down right lovely (the up side of the flip floppy heart) and yet there are always memories to reminisce and sigh about, others people to think about who are struggling or don’t have it so good.

There are also choices to be made and although I chose to stay here this Christmas I was also tugged when asked by a loved one from my husbands side if my folks where coming in for the holiday. With loved ones going there way and other issues in life they where not, nor was this unusual or normally an issue for me. The issue was the choice I had to make. If you let the hype get to you, about how Christmas is supposed to be, you will also miss the real deal… what it is actually about and so I swallowed that flip flop when it came and had a good look around me.I was surrounded by precious loved ones. I was more then blessed by generous people who care. Friends and family from my side did in fact find their way into our reality this holiday(as well as all the in-laws who are so good to me and so willing to be part of my world) and so I am not going with out. I am just another woman who has a heart that can easily flip flop on the most lovely of days.

The skype with my one older sister and her daughter was joyful, the phone call to my oldest sister was rewardingly warm, the weekend visit before Christmas with my younger brothers family was fun and important, the list goes on and on and includes a few surprise visits and gifts from dear friends and neighbors…Ideally we would all like to go home for Christmas, have ALL the family together at once but really if it has to be that way this time of year and we don’t worry about it for the rest of the year that is the great lose. May I make time for my family and friends all year round and may it be so sentimental for me despite the month or season.

I am so thankful for the sentimental stuff of life that makes us think about how we really value loved ones…I am thankful for any time, whether in person, on the phone or skype, with my family and friends where we get beyond chit chat and really put it out there that we care for one another! Praise the Lord for a whole nother year to love and be loved by PEOPLE.TTFN

It Was Hard To Say In Christmases Past

by admin on December 9, 2010 in Bits Of My Personality, Holiday Messages, My Year of Right Sacrifice-TIME, The Pet with No comments
(He couldn’t seem to stand me taking pictures alone. Riddick kept rushing in as the camera clicked. This meant he kept showing up as a blur… so finally I took a moment and picked him up and made him hold still nicely for one. I like that he likes me:) Since we are both looking pretty good I thought I should share!)
Just a thought, sometimes in Christmases past things would get so busy I ended up barely using the old greeting ‘Merry Christmas’ all season. That meant it wasn’t comfortable for me when others would wish me merry Christmas… I remember having trouble giving a hearty response in kind. A perfect example of how my focus was WAY OFF! Not that stress itself isn’t a good enough clue, but moms are good at explaining stress away as a necessity… so now that we are so much better at not letting Christmas get that stressful over here I start pretty early with sharing this greeting.

This is why you will find it so much on my blog this month; I am practicing!

And with that thought, well more then a thought… story, I wish you a

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

TTFN

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