In my experience, spend years pushing down feelings, perfecting numbness and you will be left with panic filled anger, rage really. This type of anger is unique and powerful because it appears to be an effective shield.
After getting scared enough to begin letting go of my numbness I started putting more trust then I ever had before in the Lord; trusting him to take care of me in all my states of mind and heart. What a gift… and that truth clicked for me…came wrapped up with a bow the last time I had a public… moment.
At a study I had broke down in tears. I settled myself down and then said, for myself as much as or perhaps more then for them, ‘I would apologies but that would only come out of my pride and fear of appearing weak and needy… Truth is I have spent too long breaking out of numbness. This… this is a gift.’ The ladies around me smiled and accepted that… I sat there clinging to hope that I believed it too.
Today I am deeply thankful for feeling and for the Lord breaking down my walks of numbness before I broke myself permanently with it.
This came to mind today as I shared with a friend my fears about learning thankfulness this year. I do see thankfulness as a God given strength, when authentically from the heart…yet I have confused anger with strength and a shield for so long that feeling called to put it down to make room for thankfulness makes me feel vulnerable…
I sat thinking about this idea of surrendering anger. I was surprised to find in myself the trust was deeper then the pride and I was indeed deeply thankful for the Lord breaking down that final wall that always threatens to shut me into the trap of numbness again. I am so very very thankful to dispose of numbness and this prideful anger. Most of all I am so very thankful to trust that the Lord can continue to handle what spills out of me as a result.
TTFN
The first paragraph of this post speaks to me because every word of it has been evident in my own life. Love this post. Love YOU!