My husband can’t read my mind. My husband can’t read my complex or masking emotions. SPELL IT OUT FOR HIM and please stop assuming things about him… ask!
I used to hurt Garnet every time I was hurting. Why? Because I would burst asunder with many intertwined issues that I needed to communicate about after cramming for too long. I would try to be strong… I would thus come across as at first cold and then angry and how could he assume anything else but that he was being accused or blamed?
I had developed a habit of hiding my feelings, then when the cramming couldn’t be contained I would mask them with anger. My theory was anger hurt me less (I eventually learned this less pain for me was at the expense of my husbands feelings). I felt anger made me come across as strong, even when revealing hurts and worries (emotions I believed to be weak). I assumed men preferred this and saw tears and fears as manipulative… thus I told myself I was doing my man a favor.
Garnet is unique, as all men are, and yet has basic male tendencies, as all men do. Because he is unique I never should have assumed the assumptions I had about men lined up with him perfectly. Because he has basic male tendencies he wants to be my hero and find solutions right away. For him to feel like I was attacking him made him feel the failure and hopeless in the finding a solution part.
One day HE figured me out. In the midst of one of my moments he pointed out that everything came out anger and he was tired of trying to discern what was really behind that. ‘Trust me enough to be vulnerable and real,’ he asked and with that my anger wall crumbled.
To love him more I have learned to be honest with my emotions, clear with my issues, and not a crammer till the dam of emotions are so intertwined they burst forth like a flood.
If you really love your husband let him love you and be vulnerable with him, when your pain or worries make you feel that way.
P.s. If you are like me and had trouble learning how to be open, even with your spouse, the most practical step you can take to get there is TALK LOTS about ANYTHING. We have done regular tea and talk times before bed (once the kids are asleep and can’t distract from the conversation) for many many years.
TTFN
I can really relate to this post…I think that I’m going to be some strong super mom/wife…and I end up coming off as a cold angry shrew instead. Vulnerability is SO hard…I have to remember that in my weakness, God is strong…and only then can we move on to a stronger marriage. Thanks for this encouragement and admonishment today!
Wow! This was such a transparent post. You know, anger seems to be the default emotion of a lot of people, my husband for one.
It takes work and perseverance, but we are coming to the point where we have moments of clarity and understand each other better. Don’t give up!
Thanks for visiting my place and leaving such lovely words of encouragement.
God bless!
This is so true! I have been like you and afraid to show my hurt, so I’ve hidden behind my anger. And it’s so easy to not realize that I’m doing this. I hope this opens the eyes of many who are probably doing the same toxic dance with their spouses.
Thanks for sharing and stopping by my blog too! 🙂
You’re going to be a wonderful leader of women some day. I appreciate your seasoned wisdom. It took me a long time to learn what you already know. So happy you’re passing on your marriage’s life lessons!
This is very good advice, Mac an Rothaich: If you are like me and had trouble learning how to be open, even with your spouse, the most practical step you can take to get there is TALK LOTS about ANYTHING.
Thanks for joing us for Marriage Monday today, as always!
Hugs, e-Mom
P.S. You have a nice kitchen!
TALK LOTS, this is still what I’ve been yearning for which hubby is not so inclined with. But last night, after some reflections from Marriage Monday, he suggested that we renew our regular longer private talk time every weekend when both of us are relaxed. I’m so glad he initiated it himself.
Thanks for your inspiring thoughts on communication.
Being vulnerable is so hard. I know! I get the whole stuffing the emotions. Learning how to share without frustration for me took me years. Thanks for sharing!
Thanks for stopping by my blog and for your kind words!!
As little girls, we grow up not realizing how hard marriage really is! We’re so conditioned by romance novels where the man is a hero, sweeps us off our feet, reads our minds and provides just the right mix of strength and sensitivity! What man could ever live up to that? (Well, Jesus could and does but that’s another post!)
I think men have been devalued in recent years in our society. They’ve been DISCOUNTED as to their importance in the family unit as well as COUNTED as Neanderthal’s who just run rampant over everyone and their feelings.
I believe we as women need to recognize and appreciate that God loves them, (their insecurities, short-comings) just like He does us women with all of our hurts, habits and hang ups. So many of the hot spots in our marriages could be avoided or worked out, if we took personal responsibility of our walk with Christ!! The more we become like Christ, the more His servant’s heart dwells within us. The more He dwells within us, the more secure we become about who we are, whose we are and are willing to be vulnerable with our spouse!
Marriage is the ultimate servanthood relationship here on earth! As we think less of ourselves and practice more of the “one another’s” in the Bible the smoother our earthly relationships will go!
Connie