Hope Is A Warm Rain

We have had what feels like WEEKS of rain… I love rain but it was getting pretty cold and we even had to put the heat on again, grrrr. Two days of warm sunshine and it is raining again… but… this rain is different, it is still pretty warm out so I have the windows open and I am listening to the rain drops and the happy birds. I don’t know why but a warm rain feels comforting to me. If I could find a way to wrap myself up in a warm rain I would.

Rain, two sleeping kids and a beautiful touching song on the radio left me sitting in my van long after I had arrived home. I let the song play out and listened to the rain on the van roof; the babies slept on for a while longer. I felt something break a bit… I felt a shield of anger crack and a bit of hope felt warm in my chest.

One thing I have learned about myself this year is that I use ANGER as my ultimate mask and shield when I am feeling things so strong I am afraid of them. I know better then to let that take over now that I see it for what it is but… well… cranky is a miniature version of the same thing I think…

I had been dealing with a worry of mine by getting cranky, looking for any excuse really, so I could ignore what I was actually feeling and I was good at it! So good that I just thought I was simply cranky. Yesterday I started praying for the crankiness to move along because I felt like I couldn’t budge it on my own. That brings me back to my pause in the van…

Hope, that I could stop being cranky and cynical about all that surrounds this worry, has started to emerge. Cranky, anger, call it what you will, is a new type of numbness for me… ( used to do the no emotions shield till I felt so dried up it hurt).

Hope felt good, it hurt because it came with truth but truth is a good hurt… a healing hurt… it felt like the warm rain and I want to just wrap myself up in hope…

TTFN